Only and Always
by allisonsaurusrex
Summary: A retelling of some of the events in "Only You, Sango." from Miroku's point of view.


There's something coming. We can all feel it from the vibrations in the ground. Inuyasha's nose is the first to detect what exactly is approaching us: Human men on horseback. I'm relieved that, for once, it's not something here to threaten our lives.

There are many of them when they arrive, and they are looking for you, Sango. They know of your prowess as a _taijaya_ and they request your assistance in slaying a demon that plagues their village. Of course they have, and of course they do. I can think of no better exterminator than my Sango.

I shouldn't call you that. You aren't mine, no matter how much I would like for you to be. You don't want that. You do not need someone like me. I must shake the thought from my head… or at least I should try to do so. Previous efforts show me I'm not adept at keeping you off my mind.

These men are offering you four times more than your usual pay for such a job. It seems excessive and mildly suspicious. Being the considerate and humble person you are, you turn them down, saying it's too generous. Had it been my services they were requesting, I would have happily takek advantage of their extravagant offer. You are a better person than I am.

In response to your refusal, a magnanimous voice from outside shouts that you must not decline, that you must help the village. It's a young clan lord who calls himself Kuranosuke Takeda. He appears to know you, Sango. Indeed, he appears to know you _very_ well.

You do not remember him at first, but the memories come back to you. I hear you call him a "snot-nosed brat" under your breath. I smile at your matter-of-factness, even though you correct yourself to be more polite.

He begins to talk of his first encounter with you six years ago and how he admired your demon-slaying prowess. He refers to you as"a single white lily on the battlefield." The man is not wrong, but _damn_ if I don't like where this conversation is going. I suspect he doesn't even know that lilies are your favorite flower. I do.

He grabs your hands and holds them in his. I definitely do not appreciate him touching you - it's uncalled for. He's hiring you for a job, is he not? Is this not slightly unprofessional? But the way he looks at you… I know that look well and I know what he intends. I do not make a habit of presuming what others are thinking based on their appearance, but the way he is looking at you, that's how I look at you sometimes when you don't see me. He's looking at you like you're the most precious thing in the world.

My fears are confirmed when he asks you to be his wife, and right in front of me at that. The _gall_.

I apologize, Sango, for I must have the most awful expression on my face. I shall try to compose myself and do better going forward. Your decision need not be influenced by my feelings. You deserve that freedom.

At dinner, Inuyasha gives you a hard time for getting more food than the rest of us, but you are not even sure how to respond to the overt wooing. You're not used to someone lavishing you with gifts and compliments. I'm not exactly vocal with my feelings, but that's not because I do not care. I keep quiet because I do care. I do not want to see you hurt further because of me.

You keep looking at me like you expect me to speak up, to ask you not to accept his proposal. You want me to fight for you. I want to fight for you too, Sango, more than anything… but I can't. I won't.

Still, I cannot deny that my heart is aching, and in my usual fashion, I need to distract myself to avoid that pain. I am a weak man, Sango. I hear women speaking outside and I know now what I must do. I am hopeful that flirting with one of them will lift my spirits and make you stop expecting from me the things which I cannot say.

When I stand up to walk outside, you say my name and plead for me to say. Don't worry, Sango. I'm not upset with you. I know you think that I am, but I could never fault you for being conflicted about this.

Asking the young woman to bear my child does nothing to help my mood. In fact, it makes me feel more worthless. The only positive thing that comes from it is your rage at me. I am happy to see that you still care enough to be jealous. I am relieved to have the sting of a slap to my face. You storm out, and I pretend like your behavior was uncalled for. I don't think I am fooling anyone.

Kagome keeps looking at me strangely, in a mixture of concern and dreamy hopefulness. I know what she is thinking and I wish she wouldn't. She wants me to compete for your heart, but she does not understand that in order to protect your heart I must not compete for it. At least Inuyasha and Shippo seem indifferent. I would prefer to be left alone about this.

I was taken aback when she leapt up and dragged me by the hand out of the hut. Kagome is surprisingly strong when she's worked up about something. She stops when we're outside and far enough away from the earshot of others. I ask her what this is about, even though I already know. I should at least entertain her. She just cares about us, even if she doesn't understand.

I listen to her for as long as I can, but she starts to compare me to Kuranosuke. She thinks it will make me nervous. Little does she know, she is not telling me anything I haven't already said to myself a thousand times. He _is_ a better suitor than I am. He is a better _man_ than I am.

I'm too frustrated with Kagome, and I feel guilty, but I cannot listen anymore. Besides, I've noticed some curious things around the village that might give us some clues about the demon. I hope that concentrating on something important will keep my mind occupied, and it does for a time. That is, until I see you walking with _him_. Alone, I feel freer to let my body react to the pain from seeing you two together.

But I'm not alone, a fact made glaringly apparent when Kagome jumps out of the bushes at me. She's perseverant, I give her that much. We watch you talk to the young lord from the bushes, I am ashamed to say. I could not help myself, and Kagome didn't protest.

I hear him tell you he loves you, and I try to convince myself it's okay. I hear you say you're flattered and happy to hear how he feels, and I try to convince myself that it's _still_ okay.

But it is _not_ okay, and I have to leave. I can watch no further. Kagome begs me to fight for you. I tell her she will understand someday why I won't, and leave it at that. If I allow myself to talk to her any longer, I may reveal too much.

You see, I agree with Kuranosuke on one thing. It is only you, Sango, and for me, I think it will _always_ only be you. My past is empty and hollow as the cursed hole in my hand, and for a long time I thought my future would be, as well. You changed that Sango. Somehow, someway, you worked your way into my heart so subtly I did not notice at first. Now, when I think about today, tomorrow, and years from now I see you there and the thought of that not being the case breaks my heart. For Kuranosuke, you are _a_ future. For me, you are the _only_ future.

So no, this is not 'okay,' nothing about this is 'okay,' damn it, but I will not be so selfish as to try to stop you from being happy. More than anything in the world, I wish for your happiness Sango, and that is more powerful than any other desire I may have.

Night finally comes and I decide to sit on the deck and allow myself to think, and there you are, walking in my direction. You stop when you see me, looking at me like you want me to tell you what is on my mind. I see the blush on your cheeks, and my heart flutters a little. You have that effect on me Sango.

I fake a smile and a chuckle. I know that is not what you want from me, but I am a stubborn monk, and I will resist the urge to look heartbroken, to make you feel guilty. I stand up to walk inside, and as I pass you, I tell you the one thing I am thinking that I am comfortable for you to know. I wish you happiness.


End file.
